Study: Intestinal Worms Can No Longer Survive Inside Average American
BETHESDA, MD — An NIH study found that most Americans’ guts are inhospitable to parasitic worms.
“We are floored at the scale of habitat destruction,” said NIH Investigator Dr. Eliza Fallon. “It’s a multi-species genocide happening inside all of us.”
The researchers observed flukes and roundworms struggling to navigate through partially digested tacos, Doritos, and milkshakes among other staples of American cuisine, and mired in La-Brea-Tarpit-like accumulations of grease. The study also found that 93% of tapeworms developed diabetes from their host’s excessive blood sugar.
The small percentage of intestinal worms that could thrive despite the harsh internal conditions of most Americans’ disease-ridden bodies still contend with harsh criticism from unsuccessful peers, instilling complexes that stifle their abilities.
“The worms are inheriting the worst attributes of the average American, which is the most troubling thing about our findings.”
Preliminary results from a related study found that cockroaches living in U.S. households, rather than propagate the species, instead prefer to lie in bed all day, smoking weed and eating snacks while watching reruns of their favorite childhood TV shows.