MBS Kicks Off Saudi Soccer Season By Parading Activist’s Severed Head

RIYADH — To commemorate his kingdom’s season-opening soccer game, Crown Prince MBS paraded feminist activist Nura Ahmed’s severed head on a pike before punting it from midfield.

To follow up this year’s success, a majority of league organizers voted for an ambitious opening ceremony in 2024 — executing investigative journalists by firing squad.

“We want to have fireworks sync with the muzzle flare. Oh, and we are considering a live performance as well. Personally, I’d love to see Beyoncé,” said Ibrahim Dawoud before humming the melody of “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It).”

But some organizers who voted against the idea worry about setting a bad precedent.

“It would be bad for business. There are only so many heathens we can execute before the UN gets involved,” whispered an organizer who requested to remain anonymous for fear of his life.

The Dingo will update this story until our Middle East correspondent is hacked into pieces and disposed of in a vat of acid.