Parents Lament A Future Where Their Children May Never Know The Beauty Of Desperate, Horny Insects

TRENTON, NJ ­— Married couple Janet and David Colasacco, standing on the lawn of Old Tappan High School, fear that their children may never know the beauty of desperately horny insects signaling their desire to mate.

“There used to be hundreds of fireflies right here,” David recounted, pointing at the ground. “We held hands and watched hundreds of fireflies advertising the superiority of their genes.”

Janet shared her sentiments:

We came back here two years later where David proposed to me. Watching those lascivious little bugs­­ — we conceived our first child right then and there. It was such a magical time; I wish our daughters could experience that, too.

The couple caressed each other in silence, taking in the chorus of crickets, katydids, cicadas, and dozens of other lustful species.